Ask an ethicist: Should I tell my student’s parents what they’ve been confiding in me?

A student has recently confided some troubling personal information. Should I share this confidential information with their parents, even if doing so may breach their trust?

Teachers may be a lot of things but they’re not therapists, bound by strict confidentiality codes. Nor do they have a parent’s automatic access to everything happening in a child’s life. They occupy a unique middle ground – trusted enough that students tell them things, but without clear rules about what they’re supposed to do with that information. 

When a student chooses to confide in a teacher, it usually means something. They’ve decided that teacher offers safety. That trust opens up space for them to work through what’s going on, or to practise reaching out for help on their own terms. It’s actually an important part of how young people learn to handle difficult things – sussing out who to talk to and knowing what to share and when. 

When we decide to share information, the consequence of breaking confidence isn’t a small thing. No doubt you’ve experienced it yourself – we feel betrayed and we shut down. When it comes to students there is a double jeopardy. The message they take away is that confiding in grown-ups isn’t actually safe, that it just gets you in trouble or reported. That’s a lesson that can stick with them for years.  

It’s important that a young person’s ownership of their own story is respected. They should be in a position to choose what to tell and what to hold back. But there are obvious limits. If a student discloses that they haven’t eaten in three days, or that they’re scared to go home, those aren’t conversations that can be sat on. ‘Should I respect their privacy?’ is subordinated to ‘what does this child need right now?’ Mandatory reporting laws exist for exactly this reason – confidentiality can’t outweigh safety. 

Context matters too. What ‘doing right by them’ looks like depends enormously on the student. A twelve-year-old whose parents are still heavily involved in day-to-day decisions is in a different position than a seventeen-year-old who’s six months from being a legal adult. Parents have both a legal and moral stake in their child’s wellbeing, but that argument carries different weight depending on where the child is developmentally. 

Questions to help clarify the decision

A teacher colleague once described the profession of teaching as ‘ethically rich.’ When facing ethically rich situations, asking some questions may help clarify what’s at stake: 

• Is this about something that’s already happened, or something that might happen? The distinction matters. A student venting about a past argument with their mum is different from a student hinting they’re planning to run away. 
• Was there a promise or an implication that this would stay confidential? If this is the case, breaking that promise comes with real costs. 
• If we’re being honest is the hesitation because of genuine uncertainty, or about dreading an awkward conversation? 
• Can the student be involved in what happens next? Could they tell their parents themselves, with the teacher’s support or could they give permission before anyone is contacted? 

Principles for navigating the decision

No single rule can cover every situation a teacher might face. Here are some ‘rules of thumb’ – ethically informed guidelines that can sometimes help shape how you approach a situation like this without prescribing a rigid answer. They can offer a framework rather than a formula.  

Start with the least intrusive option: Many professional codes and guidelines emphasise involving students in disclosure decisions where possible. That doesn’t mean never telling anyone. It means not going over a student’s head unless you have to. 

Let them keep some control over the process if you can: Even if disclosure is necessary, a student doesn’t have to feel blindsided. ‘I think your parents need to know about this – would you like to tell them yourself, or would you prefer I do it?’ are very different options than calling a parent out of the blue.  

Respect where students are developmentally: Adolescents need to practise regulating what they share with parents as part of healthy development. Routinely overriding a teenager’s choices about disclosure can actually undermine that process. But that doesn’t mean it’s a blank check. Teenagers do need practice deciding what to share and with whom – that’s part of how they learn to navigate adult relationships. 

Consult with others before you act: Talking to the school counsellor yourself may help you think through options without requiring that you share identifying details – you don’t have to figure it out alone. 

Know where the legal red lines are: Teachers are typically mandatory reporters – they have a legal duty to report suspected abuse or neglect. But mandatory reporting is about safety, not general parental notification. Outside those clear-cut situations, there’s more discretion than people often assume. 

Write things down: Keep a brief, factual record of what was disclosed, what you considered, and what you decided. If questions come up later – from parents, principals, or anyone else – you’ll have a record of what guided your reasoning.