Ask an ethicist: How much should politics influence my dating decisions?

I’ve noticed on dating apps now that many people are displaying their political views on their profile. Is this something I should take into account when talking to someone? How picky should I be about politics when it comes to dating?

Dating is hard even under the best circumstances. Finding the balance between bearing your soul and maintaining a semblance of mysterious allure already feels like a circus feat – before we add in the complexity of having several of these conversations at once on our phones with people we’ve never met before.  

If you do manage to wade through that surface mire of app dating, you’ll still be left with some of the harder decisions. A common focus is how we present ourselves. And that’s important – we understandably want to feel like we’re showing an accurate snippet of our identity. 

But something to consider is the way that we often consciously or unconsciously judge, categorise, make assumptions about or dismiss people based on small aspects of their presentations of themselves. 

Political ideologies, as indicated on dating profiles, usually reflect at least some of our deeply held beliefs. It’s tempting, then, at least for those of us who feel strongly, to use these little markers as a litmus test for our attention. In the age of online dating, we don’t want to waste our time vaguely flirting with someone who actually hates everything we stand for.  

But…

Some open-mindedness, perspective-taking and empathy go a long way to breaking down the social barriers that encourage us into echo chambers.  

I noticed this firsthand recently when talking to my friends about dating. I told them I had changed my profile to more explicitly reflect some of my political values. We mostly agreed that while it might drive some people away, it was likely to be people I’d be uninterested in regardless. 

Then I told them that I often find myself having an adverse reaction to profiles that indicate someone is “Apolitical” or “Not Political” because I see this as apathetic and conflicting with my own strongly held beliefs. Instead of agreeing, they responded to this with variations of “But I’m not political!”. 

This didn’t garner the response that I expected because I didn’t realise the way that my close friends thought about and categorised themselves. It turns out they too identified with those labels, not because they don’t have any political opinions, but because they don’t regard them as political. I hadn’t ever asked for their self-reflection before, and so I assumed that I knew how they thought about themselves. 

Reframing

For lots of people, “politics” feels far away and unreachable: in rooms with suits, on tv or across the world, seats and benches in inaccessible buildings, smiles and virtue signals with little positive tangible effect.  

But this doesn’t mean that someone who actively engages in the broader aspects of politics doesn’t have anything in common with the self-described “apolitical”. Neither does it mean that people on opposing sides of the spectrum have nothing in common. 

Recognising this takes reflection on our own ability to remain open-minded, intellectually charitable, and curious.

We have to ask ourselves: is it short-sighted to dismiss people based off a single word? Are we indulging in an echo chamber by looking for people who present exactly like us?

The answer to these questions is both simpler and more complicated than might appear: It’s short-sighted and completely understandable.  

As in my situation, you’re incredibly likely to be surrounded by some people who are indifferent to what they consider politics. This doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. What is foundationally important to these relationships are their underlying values and principles. Someone might not be able to identify with a particular movement or phrase or title, but do they care about the same things you do? Do they value the same things you do, for the same reasons?  

Granted, dating apps don’t lend themselves to the conversation needed to get to these underlying questions. Organic friendships or even romantic relationships allow more time and space for getting to know what someone values and the principles they stick to in a wider context. Conversely, modern dating often encourages a sense of speed and abundance at odds with this sense of intellectual charity – which brings us to the more complicated answer.  

Be discerning, not cynical

As much as we love our friends, we’ll inevitably hold a slightly higher bar for intimate relationships. Those extra levels of intimacy – the extra reliance, co-habitation, psychological, physical and financial vulnerability, etc – all apply a pressure that means a solid foundation of mutual values and principles is even more important for the relationship to be long-lasting (or even to get on the first date).  

Political labels are one of many ways we can signal and filter all of these possibilities, and while they’re useful, taking a page out of Aristotle’s book can help prevent us from falling into an echo chamber. 

Aristotle spoke of virtues, and specifically about finding the golden mean between two extremes. In the case of dating, we’re trying to avoid the extremes of cynicism and naïvety. Being cynical means a lack of open-mindedness and intellectual charity – it’s assuming the worst of someone based on little evidence, and this can happen a lot when we rely on small markers on profiles to tell us the whole story of a person. We see an identifier that’s usually at odds with our own, and we dismiss them. 

Naivety, conversely, is an overabundance of optimism and lack of critical thinking, often resulting in a complete misunderstanding of someone’s character and motivations and leading to disappointment or apparent betrayal. 

Being discerning, a comfortable middle ground, is the virtuous person’s dating goal. We want to be able to make quick and accurate judgements based on limited information. In doing so, the aim is to filter out likely harm while remaining open to meeting people a bit different from ourselves.