Duties of care: How to find balance in the care you give

Caring for others can be a joy as well as a burden. Here’s how to balance your duty to care for others in your life with your own right to live a full life.

Sue’s* father, Jack*, isn’t like he used to be. Since his stroke, Jack has been forgetful, irritable and he gets even more frustrated when he gets confused, which happens often. He is increasingly reliant on Sue’s care these days. She prepares his meals, does his laundry and bathes him when he’s too tired to do it himself. Meanwhile, Sue’s children – both of whom have just started high school – have issues of their own that require her attention.  

Sue has had to reduce her hours at work, right before she was slated for a promotion to a senior role. The reduction in income has compounded the significant cut to her free time; she now spends most days looking after Jack, even though he seems thoroughly ungrateful for her care, as well as keeping her kids on track. 

There are times when Sue thinks about moving Jack into a nursing home, even though she knows he’d resist. But she longs to return to work, which was a tremendous source of meaning for her, and she hasn’t seen her friends in months. Such thoughts fill her with guilt, and she quickly puts them aside. But she’s not sure how much longer she can go on like this. It’s certainly far from the life she envisaged for herself at this age. 

While the names have been changed*, this scenario is based on a true story. Actually, many true stories. One of the most popular questions posed by callers to our Ethi-call service is how to balance our responsibility to care for others with our own rights to live our life. And it’s one of the most complex questions to answer. However, there are some key considerations that can help people facing this dilemma to decide on an ethical way forward, one that respects both the duties that they have to others as well as their own right to live a good life. 

Finding the right balance

Caring for others is a fundamental part of the human experience. We naturally feel empathy and concern for people close to us, especially for loved ones and those who are vulnerable or unable to fully care for themselves. But we also have rights of our own that need to be taken into consideration. 

While some philosophers argue that every human’s moral worth is equal, and that we ought to weigh everyone’s needs equally, others have argued that we have special relationships with some people – such as parents with their children, or spouses with each other – and those relationships imply special obligations to those individuals.  

This ‘ethic of care’ says that we ought to prioritise the interests of people we have a special relationship with over the interests of others. It also says we have a special duty to care for those people, especially when they are vulnerable or cannot care for themselves. 

We can see this sense of duty in the words of Kim Paxton, who was caring for her husband, Graham, after he was diagnosed with a serious medical condition, while waiting on governmental support. “You just do it,” she told The Guardian Australia. “I don’t know. You get tired, but they’re your family, your loved ones. It breaks my heart … It’s a bit like being a mum, isn’t it, with a newborn baby. You start living with less sleep and you work harder and you just do what you do for the love of your kids.” 

Some philosophers also emphasise the role of rights and duties when it comes to thinking about the care we give. Rights are a kind of entitlement that each person has in order to be treated a particular way. For example, a right to dignity means we are entitled to be treated in ways that don’t diminish our dignity. If someone has a right, others have a duty to respect that right.  

We can also have duties because of the social role or relationship we have. For example, a doctor has a duty to protect their patient’s interests by virtue of their professional role, and a parent has a duty to support their children until they are old enough to support themselves. Similarly, some people have a duty to care for a family member if they are unable to care for themselves. 

However, rights and duties often come into conflict. A caregiver might have a duty to care for both children and elderly parents, and it might be impossible for them to satisfy both of those obligations to everyone’s satisfaction. In that case, it’s reasonable to appeal to the adage “ought implies can” – meaning if it’s impossible to do something, then you’re free from blame if you’re unable to do it. That might mean balancing your care among multiple people and managing expectations of what you can reasonably achieve. 

What about me?

But duties don’t necessarily override all other concerns. We also have a right to pursue our own interests and our vision of a good life, and this right can be balanced with the rights of others to be cared for by us. Each of us has a right to agency, meaning our ability to act on our interests and desires. One reason we might care for others is to help remove the barriers that prevent them from exercising their agency.

But it’s important for us to also have agency, and that might mean not expending all of our time and energy on care.

It’s also important that those receiving care don’t morally impose on their caregivers by expecting an unreasonable degree of sacrifice on their behalf. If there are alternatives that can reduce the burden of care they place on family members, such as external help or respite care, then it could be important to explore those options, even if it isn’t their first preference. 

There is also a pragmatic argument for placing boundaries on the care you give: if you want to ensure you are delivering the best care possible, you need to have the energy to actually deliver that care. If you become burnt out, you’re not able to satisfy your obligations to care for others.  

To ensure you don’t run flat, you might need to devote some resources to self-care. That might mean taking a break from time to time, perhaps taking a relaxing holiday. Even if that feels indulgent, there’s no guilt in taking the time to recharge the batteries so you can return to our caring duties reinvigorated.  

It can be difficult in practice to balance conflicts of interest or duties. However, there can be good ethical reasons to place some boundaries and set expectations on the care you give to others. 

Tough decisions are a part of life, but you don’t have to make them alone. Ethi-call, a free independent helpline from The Ethics Centre, can help you find a path forward. Book now.